10th December, 2023

I’ve had a rough few weeks for which there seems to be no reason for feeling down. I’ve done some lovely, special things but, I suppose, at this time of year, being on my own feels more present than it usually does. And I’m not on my own in this. So many people feel even more alone when it feels as if the rest of the world is celebrating and spending time with friends and family. I’m lucky this year: I have family plans for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. How lovely is that? I have so much to be grateful for. And, believe me, I am so, so grateful.

I hadn’t expected this weekend to be particularly special but out of the blue, I was invited to a pre-Christmas gathering this afternoon. And yesterday evening, new, dear friends popped in for half-an-hour and stayed for three! My heart was full when they left. They befriended me when I first moved here – they didn’t know I was widowed so there was no sympathy or the awkwardness that comes with that. They like me for me. Wow. Can you imagine how that feels? It’s pretty special – and a new one for me. We laughed – gosh, did we laugh. And we talked and although the minutes slipped by, the moment will stay with me for a long time.

This morning I slept late and took Molly for a walk before getting glammed up. I walked the five-minutes to the gathering which was already in full flow. when I arrived. Those of you who know me, know that the thought of walking into a room full of people will make me run a mile. But from the moment I entered I was shown kindness and smiles. Someone took my coat, another pushed a glass of champagne into my hand, my cheek was kissed, I was wrapped in warmth and love. Yes, love. The gathering was larger than I’d thought and I only knew about half the people but I met lovely new people and as my glass kept being refilled and the platters of warm nibbles came round, I circulated. For a change I didn’t stand in one spot feeling awkward and watching the clock. And there was a moment when I gazed around the room and breathed it all in.

I left just before dusk. I walked past homes decorated for Christmas. Curtains not yet drawn, I peeked in and saw a man playing the piano, children watching television, a bookcase so tall and wide it looked as if it filled the room. As I took photos a man joked with me and did a silly pose, a dog walker smiled and said hello. The lights were on in the church and I know that the choir would be practising for Evensong.

Life is all around me. Families, aloneness. No matter what, it’s life. I have always believed that most people are kind and do little things that seem so unimportant but have huge consequences. And it’s these little kindnesses that give the shine to life. The love we show one another is what it’s all about. I came home to a cold, dark house… and Molly. She was so pleased to see me. I set about lighting a fire and putting the oven on for dinner.

So now I haven’t yet drawn the curtains; it’s too early to shut the world out. The Christmas tree lights are on and the fire is lit and I wonder if people wander past and smile. Do they peek inside and see a happy dog and a woman in a posh frock, smiling as she potters about while the fire warms the house. I hope the tree lights make them smile and I hope that they are at peace this evening. I hope that in a tiny way I am spreading kindness from my small world.

And yes, I have a head full of champagne but I can’t help but feel how lucky I am. And how wonderful this life can be.