Dipping a toe in the water
What to do when you’re restless and don’t know where you belong?
What to do when you know the ache in the very deepest part of your heart will never heal?
What to do when you don’t fit in your old life – you’ve changed and people don’t know what to say to you?
What to do when you don’t know how you’re supposed to act? Too much frivolity and you never cared. Too much sadness and you’re wallowing in it.
What to do when you feel like a stranger at home? The bed is too big, the sofa is huge, and you no longer sit outside to eat and enjoy the twilight?
I’ve bought chickens.
I’ve dug a vegetable patch.
I’ve decorated the lounge.
I got a job in a coffee shop.
I took up a volunteering role.
Still empty. Still lost. Still treading water, unable to swim.
You need to move, keep moving. Don’t stagnate or else the pain will be overwhelming, you’ll go under and drown.
Movement soothes, like rocking a baby or slow dancing with your love.
Make plans to keep moving. Buy an old campervan, a map, and a notebook (as if you don’t have enough).
Still treading water. Just little forays for now. Jesamine (the van), Molly (the dog) and me (the dowager).
Starting to swim with the tide. Beginning to get the hang of it. Forgetting the rules. Making your own.
Once lockdown ends – dive in, embrace the tide. And swim.
Jane Lomas - writer 
