5th October, 2023

When I look back over the last few years, I can that when Tim died the colour drained from life and I began to live in black and white. It was safe. Colour heightens emotions; colour is joy. A greyscale life doesn’t ask for much. A greyscale life seeks the shadows and watches the world from the safety of monochrome.

Perhaps the turning point was the trek in Jordan. I certainly came out of the experience changed. But the transition of night to day takes time. The sun doesn’t come out and knock the moon away. There’s a play between them before each takes hold. And then there are clouds across the moon (oh, how I love that corny song), and clouds blocking out the sun.

I can feel autumn in the air and usually my heart would be singing and I’d be closing my eyes letting the sun warm my face while the breeze rifles through my hair. But you know, I can’t feel it for the clouds. So many clouds. And I keep reminding myself that life’s in colour now but, well…

Life is in colour but it’ll never be the same as it was. The colour’s faded now. A bit like an old polariod. In the autumn of my life, I know that the colours will never be so bright but I also know I don’t want to return to greyscale. Some days it’s a struggle to keep out of the dark, but on others it’s so easy and I let nature’s rhythm pulse through my body, brushing my mind clear of doubt and fear.

I can feel Shetland calling to me. I wish I could return to my November home and spend the month feeling nature testing me. I want to be whipped and bruised by wind and sea and watch the seals as they watch me. I want to look for otters and sit by a peat fire. Would I see it all in colour now? Would I be as willing to look at the horizon and weigh up the worth of a life?

Today, here in Suffolk, it’s a beautifully sunny, breezy day. I’ve walked across the fields but the clouds wouldn’t shift. This will pass. The ache of missing Tim will subside and I’ll feel lighter again. But for now, I’m taking it slowly. And I’m thankful for the colour that is back in my life and I’ll do all I can to keep out of the shadows. (And I might not listen to that corny song too much….)